Quotes | Six Weeks Left on PI | More Coming
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All quotes are from Bill Maher, either from Politically Incorrect, Real Time with..., or televised interviews.
You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.
I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you're not married and having children, it's like your life is empty or you're a communist meanie.
It's all been satirized for your protection.
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
"Today in America, a professional wrestler is struck down with a folding chair once every thirty five seconds. And not one seen by a referee."
"Hulk Hogan has been hit with a chair so many times, the back of his head smells like a**."
Love does not conquer all.
What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes -- Bunnyland?
The Republican party -- the same party that believes that 6-year olds can't tell the difference between real and toy guns -- believes that Elian Gonzalez knows where he should live.
"If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?"
"We cannot do everything we once did because lives now depend on us doing a few things well." Well, then, why, oh why, oh why is he busting people who just want to die? He's going after the medical marijuana clubs. He's going after the assisted-suicide law in Oregon. The people of Oregon voted twice to say, "Hey, if you're dying, if you wanna die with dignity, let us do it ourselves. Let a doctor assist."
"Abstinence is the worst form of perversion."
"All birds masturbate. Yeah, you thought that was sh*t on your car."
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
"Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands
of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly
fight back."
"God makes trees, he doesn't write books."
"Mother Teresa will have a state funeral on Saturday. Elton John said he thought about singing another rewritten version of "Candle In The Wind," but he can't think of a word that rhymes with leprosy."
"To those people who say, `My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say `Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off."
"People have been having more sex lately. They call it Apocalypse Sex, or End-of-the-World Sex, or Crisis Sex, but I just call it Armagetsome. So, what I want to know is: have you been getting Bin-Laid-en?"
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
They’re all for changing the laws except when it comes to their campaign donors.
“I think you can be monogamous but your lying if you say you enjoy it.”
There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.
“There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.”
“I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.”
"The media asks me questions like ‘what is Pamela Lee like’ and, the people ask me about the topics and say thank you for saying how I felt."
No gay fraternities. Gays are already have a better way of male bonding... Fraternities are for f*cking @ss holes, not for f*cking @ss holes.
Before we begin the discussion tonight, I would just like to take a moment at the top of the show to say to everyone who's contacted me in the last few days, people I know and people I'd never met but feel like I know - thank you - for your kindnesses, your support, and in one case, a hooker, but I sent her back because one, I don't use hookers, and two, it turned out we were both with the same agency. But it's the thought that counts, and on that note, I'd also like to thank ABC for the tote bag. One comment I've heard repeatedly in the last few days in, ah, bars and public libraries - OK, not public libraries - but in bars, where you get some honesty because drunks are honest, is: Now that you're free, why don't you run for office? Which, coming from television, I can't figure out if they mean that as a step up for me - or more like, "Hey, man, you can always be a congressman." Anyway, the comment makes me laugh because I truly believe of all the people in the whole country who could not win an election, I am very near the top of the list. Somewhere between Father Geoghan and Al Gore. And the reason is, I have at one time or another, insulted everybody - and I'm proud of that. Politically incorrect means not political, not like a politician, and to give you an idea how unlike a politician I am, I don't even have a wife to cheat on. So when people say, why don't you run for office? Or, why'd you get fired? Folks, let me sum it up for you: I think religion is bad and drugs are good. I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting. I think stereotypes are true, abstinence is a perversion, Bush's lies are worse than Clinton's and there's nothing sexy about being old or pregnant. I think September 11th changed nothing and if I had known the onset of war would add 100 points to George Bush's IQ, I would have started one. I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic. I think death is not the worst thing that can happen to you, people have too much self-esteem, and being drunk is funny. I think children are not innocent, God doesn't write books, and Jesus wasn't a Republican. I'm for Mad Cow disease and against suing tobacco companies. I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay. We'll be on for another six weeks. - Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect Friday, May 17th |